By Kate Machiavelli Esq.
I have, for a long time, believed that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the source of all my problems.
I used to be a happy member of the church, but then I came across some material made up by a threatened megachurch pastor who certainly had no possible ulterior motives claiming Joseph Smith hated women. Even though it was a lie, I became convinced that the church is unfriendly to women.
After years of sustaining prophets and apostles as seers and revelators with general authority, I decided I knew better than they did and began making demands. That’s when the church became the source of all my problems.
They had the audacity to suggest God’s pattern for organization and general revelation would continue to come through prophets and apostles as it had from the beginning of time! (Can you believe it?)
Instead of bowing down and worshiping me the way I demanded, they actually asked me to stop leading people away from God and his prophets and apostles, to stop stirring up contention, and to stop bashing the doctrine. When I (understandably) refused, they excommunicated me from the church!
So, even though all of progressive social media loved and embraced me, just like I wanted, I was still miserable. I just really felt like it was the church’s fault. That’s when I posted a highly scientific poll to my Twitter followers with the #ExMormon hashtag to find out.
Sure enough, all of my other bitter friends who spend copious amounts of time complaining about the church to which we once belonged confirmed that my problems are definitely the fault of the church.
I know there are a lot of people who are still firmly in the church who doubt what I have to say but look at the facts confirmed by my poll…and believe me when I say I am not just doing this to stay relevant, but because I actually care about your well-being.
Don’t let the church try and tell you that you should “improve” or “repent” and that you need to “pray” or “have faith” in order to be happy. The church is actually the source of your problems too! Just imagine the freedom you’ll experience when you betray everything you know is right and pretend to be happy for hours every day on social media!
Even though they will try to tell you to “follow the Holy Ghost,” they want you to not look at objective truths like my scientific poll, which objectively proves not only that the church is the source of all my problems, but that I am still an important figure deserving of your following and admiration!