Satire: Refusing To Teach Marriage – Insights From Dating Profiles of Hesitant Teachers

The dating profiles of some lifelong singles tell you all you need to know.


Recently, an anonymous woman posted on social media that she would not be teaching a Sunday School lesson that covered Section 49 of the Doctrine and Covenants, because it involved marriage. She asserted that this was a sensitive subject because there is “nothing wrong with being single,” because “the church has problems with marriage teaching such as polygamy,” and because “LGBTQAIP2NR7 communities are negatively impacted.”

This line of reasoning was fascinating because almost every point in her presentation was wrong. We say almost, because it is possible that someone in the “7” community could be negatively impacted among the “LGBTQAIP2NR7” but we were unable to locate any to confirm this claim of harm.

So what leads a person to so firmly embrace utter nonsense, particularly when they have access to so much truth? We investigated her and some of those who supported her tweet by examining their dating profiles. Take a look:

  • Age – 36
  • Location – Bay Area, CA
  • Sex – F
  • Interested in – At this point I don’t care
  • About Me – I love watching Rachel Maddow while I eat ice cream right from the carton, and then drinking a bottle of Hershey’s syrup. I’m a curvy girl who is compassionate, non-judgmental, and low-maintenance. You just have to accept all of my political views. I’m a member of a Christian church, although I am spiritual in many ways… for example, I’m a Sagittarius. Even though I prefer tall men, I’ve learned that most taller men prefer women who fit into clothing other than muumuus… so I’m open to new things!
  • Age – 24
  • Location – Salt Lake City, UT
  • Sex – F (She/Her)
  • Interested in – Men
  • About Me – I am a democratic socialist/communist who is tired of all the greed in institutions. Also, if you’re not six feet tall and making six figures, don’t bother messaging me – I want more than you can provide. I’m technically a part of a church, but only for social reasons. I love coffee in the morning and vodka in the evening… both of which I drink while I wonder why my dad didn’t love me more.
  • Age – 51
  • Location – Las Vegas, NV
  • Sex – M
  • Interested in – Women
  • About Me – Heeeeeeeeeeeey! I’m a knight in shining armor, looking for someone to be m’lady… Even though I’m a bigger guy, I’m really athletic… I live action role-play almost every afternoon, except on Thursdays, because that’s when I coach gymnastics for little girls. I am not one of those desperate guys… If you’re not looking for a serious relationship, like every other woman I talk to, then I’m even open to a friendship that will make the feds relax when I drive my van by elementary schools. By the way, I’m atheist.
  • Age – 29
  • Location – Salt Lake City, UT
  • Sex – T (they/them)
  • Interested in – the feminine side of the spectrum
  • About Me – I was born male, but that never described me. It’s probably because my religious parents always told me I had to work to get what I wanted, and sometimes failure was a part of life. Now that I’ve freed myself from religious gender norms, if I don’t get what I want, it’s phobia and hate… and failure is a part of a system that we must tear down. So if I express interest and you don’t reciprocate, I will report you for hate speech, because your silence IS violence. Also I like stuffed animals! They’re fun!
  • Age – 43
  • Location – Maine
  • Sex – F
  • Interested in – overcoming all sexual urges
  • About Me – I am a member of the United Society of Believers in Christ’s Second Appearing, commonly known as the Shakers. Because Christ has already come again in the form of our founder Ann Lee… it is no longer necessary to have children, or to be married, or to eat meat. You too can take up the cross and join our movement in putting off all urges to procreate and be a part of a hard-working community. Big plus if you share my interest in fine carpentry.

Of course there are individuals who struggle with loneliness, and there are all sorts of issues that can make dating frustrating… but it appears that most of these individuals have serious personal issues that make the truth that marriage is ordained of God a difficult concept to embrace. Except for the actual Shaker… we sort of understand why they would not want to teach from section 49.


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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