Satire: Progressive with Time Machine Returns From the Future with Dire Warning: Good Triumphs Over Evil

We all know how the story ends.


Mary Jane Arkouda, a researcher from the University of California at Berkeley, has spent an hour in the future with the aid of a time machine. While the technology cost the state of California billions of dollars, the progressive researcher felt that the cost was worth it to warn the public to do something to prevent what she describes as “a nightmare.”

“I was so excited to see the future,” explained Arkouda. “I figured 500 years from now, we would have abolished gender, religion, and families… you know… all the institutions the “religious-right” fights for. Instead, people were happily living in nuclear families and worshiping Jesus Christ! It was awful!”

When asked to clarify what made that awful, Arkouda gave the following:

“I’m a researcher at UC Berkeley… do you think I want a world of happiness, family, and faith? What are you… racist?”

Arkouda continued her shrill and spittle-filled tirade explaining how society can avoid the coming millennial utopia by killing more babies, smoking more crack, and denouncing anything even remotely associated with Jesus.

Officials at UC Berkeley supported Ms. Arkouda’s sentiment with the following statement:

“It is inconsistent with the vision of UC Berkeley to have a future in which good triumphs over evil. With the help of researchers like Mary Jane Arkouda, we are confident we will be able to create a more diverse, miserable, and godless future.”

After a careful examination of the offerings to see what additional policies, courses, advisers, and resources would be required to push this agenda, UC Berkeley discovered they did not have to change anything.


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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