Satire: ExMo Pauses Heroin Use To Detail Harms Of Religion

Former member bears testimony of their new religion!

By Kate Prose

Most people don’t realize how harmful religion is. I used to be a part of it myself, so I know. I went to church on Sunday, I attended youth activities, I ate green Jell-O… I even got married in the Temple.

I spent a lot of time in religious culture, and I assure you, it’s all fake. The people who voluntarily spent time to help me, the prophets who constantly told me that I was “loved” and a “daughter of God” – it’s all code for “we are a part of a conspiracy to trick you into obeying us.”

Don’t just take my word for it that religion is harmful – here’s a set of three easy steps you can follow to find out for yourself:

  1. Stop praying – this is key. The longer you go without, the easier it is to keep going without and convincing yourself that you had the effect of a “frenzied mind.”
  2. Form more authentic connections – Because people at church are fake, avoid talking to them. Replace them with followers on social media accounts who affirm any behavior in which you seek to indulge. This will make it seem like religious people want to control you.
  3. Heroin – Do heroin. It really forced me to re-evaluate my priorities. Plus, you can easily discover all the toxic relationships in your life when someone who supposedly loves you gaslights you with stuff like “I love you and want you to get the help you need” or “you’re neglecting our marriage” or “why are you swearing and throwing things?”

After I did this, I quickly realized that religion had taken everything I loved from me and made me miserable. Speaking of which, I’m going to go shoot up again…just think about how much happier you’d be without religion!


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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