Satire: Mattel Announces New “Progmo Barbie” with Largest Forehead Ever

New Smoothie, uh, Barbie doll exhibits all the features of real life smoothies.


Last weekend, Mattel announced their newest doll for their popular Barbie brand – “Progmo Barbie.”

“Barbie has played many roles to help her relate to women and girls in a variety of situations,” explained Elisa Ferrell, Mattel spokeswoman.

“Some of these roles have included astronauts and engineers, others flight attendants and chefs. Our “Progmo Barbie” will be no different in expressing features and including accessories that are uniquely progmo,” continued Ferrell.

The features include a receded hairline that exposes a larger forehead than any previous Barbie doll, ratty hot-pink hair, a lower back tattoo, and a wide mouth shouting obscenities instead of her familiar pleasant smile.

Among the accessories, buyers should expect to find a picture of Barbie with a smile, a full head of hair, and the typical bright glow we expect to see from someone who is happy in their home and faith. Additionally, a coffee mug and a bottle of vodka to mix in, just to show there’s no wisdom in the word of wisdom, a person can be healthy guzzling coffee and alcohol whenever. Also, a copy of the famous Rachel Steenblick poem, “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” is included.

Outfits will be tight and revealing, and feature popular progmo symbols and idols such as the sickle and hammer, Che Guevara, vulgar words in rainbow letters, Bernie Sanders, and the CES letter.

“Progmo Barbie encourages pretend play,” explained Ferrell. “Certainly, progmos will be excited to incorporate this doll into make-believe scenarios like which apostle should die next? or why I would be a better prophet or how dare they ask me to help clean the church building I use.

When asked about anticipated success, Ferrell answered: “Just between you and me, I don’t know that we will even sell one of these awful things. We’re just giving in to the progmos this once, because if you do just a little of what they ask they will become happy and normal again… Hang on… now that I’ve said it out loud, I realize I may have made a terrible mistake.”


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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