Satire: Professor Shocked to Find Old Testament Teachings in the New Testament

There’s no possible way Jesus could agree with Jehovah, right?

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by Victoria Beans, LGBTQAPE7&SN+ Activist with “expansive” knowledge of the Scriptures

So, some hateful people tried to tell me Jesus was the same person as Jehovah in the Old Testament, which is obviously problematic because the Old Testament says things I don’t like about moral standards.

In a rare moment of “considering the implications of my position before tattooing it to my forehead,” I came up with these lists of pros and cons of the perspective “Jesus fulfilled the Old Testament, so it doesn’t matter anymore:”

Pros:

  • Pesky dietary restrictions that prevented me from enjoying succulent shellfish, pigs, camels, and vultures are lifted
  • Circumcision no longer required
  • We don’t have to observe the Day of Atonement
  • We can work on the Sabbath
  • Coveting is now A-OK
  • Honor your father and mother? OK Boomer
  • Family History doesn’t matter after all
  • No more having to keep track of those difficult to remember stories like “Noah and the Ark,” “David and Goliath,” “Daniel and the Lion’s Den,” “Jonah and the Whale,” “Joshua and the Battle of Jericho,” etc…
  • Meth is not prohibited
  • I don’t have to feel guilty that Isaiah goes over my head

Cons:

  • A lot of New Testament writings refer to things that no one understands… like Moses (who is that?) or King David (I don’t seem to remember electing a king). I think we’ll have to get rid of Hebrews and Revelation just on this principle alone
  • Some of the stuff Jesus said is problematic too…like “think not that I am come to destroy the law and the prophets…”
  • As a woman, I’m still supposed to not usurp authority over a man…(I honestly thought 1 Timothy 2 was in the Old Testament)
  • Homosexual behaviors are still sinful…(how in the world did Romans 1:26-32 end up in the New Testament?)
  • I have to give up the Song of Solomon (it was my favorite part of the Old Testament)
  • I’m promoting a version of God that can break his covenants by saying “yeah, that’s been fulfilled”
  • I can’t use my religion to justify the ritual slaughter of goats

Alright, so the cons are significant…but fortunately, there is another context in which the scriptures can be understood. Of course, I don’t mean the same way the scriptures were given – you know, through the guidance of prophets and apostles – I mean something better, something that has no corruption, or issues with money, or dishonesty: my political views.

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Supplemental Reading:

Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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