Satire: Ashtoreth applauds Pride Month

A Pagan Goddess approves the offerings given by Pride Marchers.


Weekly Standard: Today we have with us Ashtoreth, the pagan fertility goddess, to comment on the activities surrounding LGBTQ+ Pride Month.

Ashtoreth: Glad to be here!

Weekly Standard: So, being a fertility goddess, there were some people surprised to see you come out in support of LGBTQ Pride events, seeing as how many of the relationships being celebrated do not result in the birth of children…

Ashtoreth: I can see how someone might come to that conclusion… but here’s the thing… my fertility rituals were never about fertility.

Weekly Standard: Really, then why are you considered a fertility goddess?

Ashtoreth: Because involving children makes even the most prudish people better appreciate… intimacy… I tell people to indulge their impulses “for the children,” but between you and me, once they start giving in to their carnal nature, they are quite malleable.

Weekly Standard: You believe the participants of these pride events are “malleable?”

Ashtoreth: You think they aren’t? When men confuse “love” and “lust” even a little, the next thing you know they are abandoning their wives, their faith, and their commitments just to be near me!

Weekly Standard: But proponents of these pride events claim that they are about increasing understanding and tolerance, not about abandoning commitments.

Ashtoreth: (laughs) Yes, they do, don’t they? But even people who call themselves “Papa” who try to promote love and the worship of Jesus are caught declaring that attending church and partaking of the sacrament of the Lord’s supper is equally valuable as attending these pride events. When two events have “equal” value… it’s easy to justify participating in the one that indulges desire more.

Weekly Standard: So, what are your goals with respect to these Pride events? What do you intend to do when people become… as you put it… malleable?

Ashtoreth: I crave the same thing any pagan deity craves… worship. And these events bring people together who craft their very identities around their sexual urges, and vehemently condemn those who do not approve. It’s almost as good a gig as Baal had with Jezebel in the days of King Ahab, only we aren’t quite killing worshipers of God yet.

Weekly Standard: But they aren’t actually worshiping you.

Ashtoreth: (laughs) Yes they are… I am lust personified! It is not necessary to invoke my name when they worship this!

Weekly Standard: Wait Ashtoreth, please don’t take that off!

Ashtoreth: Gaze on my beauty and covet me! I am the urge in every man’s heart! Give in to your impulses, and be one with me!

Weekly Standard: OK, that about wraps it up for us here… We appreciate our guest Ashtoreth for sharing her perspective, and we will appreciate it more when she puts her clothing back on. Thank you, and have a good day!


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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