Satire: Visitors at Church Seem Unaware They Sat in Our Seats

How could I possibly have a spiritual experience from another vantage point!


I know we should be welcoming to visitors, particularly because Jesus wants everyone to walk on the covenant path…but those new people SAT IN OUR SEATS! They don’t even look guilty either!

We’ve sat third from the back on the right side EVERY WEEK for the past eight years. I don’t even know if the other pews in the chapel work! I suppose I could go up to them and let them know they’ve upset the fragile balance of the universe that is only maintained by the rumps of my family on that bench…but that would be awkward. They’re supposed to KNOW that it’s mine!

And while it’s true that our fingernail clippings, pet hairs, and cheerios have become nearly permanent features of that area in the chapel, I couldn’t imagine sitting anywhere else…I mean, who knows what sort of unsanitary residues I might find!

It’s my right to have my sacred religious experience of browsing social media and hushing my kids while waiting for the next meeting not disturbed by a different perspective! I’m not even sure that our omniscient and omnipotent maker could see or help me a row in front or behind these people!

Maybe I’ll just stay in the hallways until this faith crisis passes…


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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