Satire: The Ten Commandments Of Antis

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Some people believe that former members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are not religious since many of them claim to be happier and freer without the burden of guilt for sin.

In truth, few people are as devout in their religious beliefs as former members of the church. They diligently follow their own set of commandments, which were provided to us by a perverted internet creep who refers to himself as Zelph on the Shelf:

I – Thou shalt have no other gods before the Church: We can leave the church, but we can’t leave it alone. Like, literally. I’ve tried.

II – Thou shalt use with great frequency the pornographic image: Accompanied the corollary – “but that has nothing to do with my testimony falling apart” because some people claim that “keeping the commandments” is involved in “having the spirit.” And the CES Letter making so much sense has nothing to do with my being desensitized!

III – Thou shalt not take any policy, commandment, counsel, or statement in vain: No one is more diligent or serious in scouring new handbooks or conference talks hoping to find something “offensive” or “harmful” than we are. “Brothers and sisters,” for example, is harmful to non-binary individuals. “Good morning” is insensitive to people in other time zones. “Repent” is hurtful to those of us following commandment II.

IV – Remember the sabbath day is judgmental and probably racist: They just want to control you by telling you the sacrament helps you receive forgiveness of your sins… Anyone who would invite you to church is judgmental and racist… and you should look down on them.

V – Honor those who leave the church as “courageous.” It takes a lot of guts to turn your back on people who have, without pay or thanks, invested heavily in improving your experience worshiping Jesus Christ, not to mention finding happiness, meaning, and value in service and fellowship. So remember, I’m brave! I’m definitely not lonely… not so depressed and so lonely… okay, let me return to commandment II.

VI – Thou shalt not kill, even though the concept of sin is a manipulation used by leaders of the church. Yeah, we couldn’t really get rid of this one without looking really bad. Even though we say that there’s no such thing as sin and that it’s just a tool used by old white men to control our lives… deep down… we all know that some things are actually evil and that the church is a remarkable force for encouraging good… just don’t admit it to the members. LABAN AND NEPHI!!!!!!

VII – Thou shalt not commit polygamy. Adultery is totally cool though. Got a thing for polyamorous relationships? That’s cool too, just as long as you’re not married. Otherwise, how can we condemn Brigham Young?

VIII – Thou shalt accuse Joseph Smith of stealing from the Bible. Sure, there is an enormous amount of original content in the Book of Mormon, and there is no way Joseph Smith had access to or knowledge of all of the linguistic devices that show up in the text, but I bet that most members don’t read the Book of Mormon or the Bible enough to realize what a flimsy argument “Joseph Smith copied the KJV” is. So use it!

IX – Thou shalt subscribe to the Salt Lake Tribune: Is it a steaming pile of hot garbage that misleads people and bears false witness against the church? Yes. So? We don’t limit ourselves to things that are virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy… speaking of which… back to commandment II.

X – Thou shalt covet thy former church’s tithing funds: I remember when I attended activities with delicious food and festive decorations that were funded by the ward budget. But now that I take offense at harmless invitations to attend these activities, how do I get my cut of that sweet, sweet tithing money? Plus, I deserve it more than they do.

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Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.