Satire: The Calvin J. Burke Apology Tour

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by Calvin J Burke

Recently, I apologized on behalf of Mormonism for BYU Professor Hank Smith, who brazenly suggested not only that Joseph Smith was a prophet, but that key doctrines the Lord revealed through him such as eternal families were linked to his prophetic call.

While all of my ExMo friends applauded my efforts, scratched my ears, and told me I was a good boy, I realized that I could probably upgrade my position in the great and spacious building by going on… wait for it… AN APOLOGY TOUR!

Now before you get your hopes up, I’m not actually traveling anywhere, or putting forth any effort or coherent thought… it’s more of a virtual tour through the scriptures. But even though we will be staying in our mother’s basement, you can still paint your nails, put on a pair of rainbow leggings, and GET EXCITED because it’s going to be awesome!

Here we go! I apologize on behalf of

• Joseph Smith – Honestly, I’m not sure why I didn’t do this to begin with. I’m sure that he misheard the Lord when the answer to his prayer was not to join any other church. Every church is true. Also, I’m sorry that, after being repeatedly betrayed, wrongfully imprisoned and tortured, and driven from his home, he had the gall to suggest that the Nauvoo Expositor, as its writers openly incited violence and contempt for Latter-day Saints, was a problem. I would have been more inclusive of their diverse views. I apologize for him.
• Brigham Young – Of all the things that Brigham Young has done, probably the worst is to defend Joseph Smith. That’s like Hank Smith… who teaches at Brigham Young University… in a way that to me seems totally incompatible with Brigham Young… I apologize for him.
• Russel M Nelson – Honestly, I haven’t paid attention to anything President Nelson has said ever. But my exmo friends tell me I’m a “critical thinker” if I disagree with the prophet… and their affection is a lot more meaningful than “spiritual guidance from the Lord.” I apologize for him.
• The Apostle Paul – I know that earlier I said that every church is true, including those who believe in the words of Paul… but COME ON! That bit in Romans 1 that suggests that homosexuality is both unnatural and sinful… I mean… IT’S 2021 ALREADY! Is “living your faith” actually worth not getting with the times? I don’t think so. I apologize for him.
• Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego – I’m not scared to stand by my belief that every church is true, and to be inclusive, kind, and loving… and if Nebuchadnezzar says I should fall down on the plain of Dura and worship the golden image he set up, am I too un-inclusive, unkind, and unloving to do so? No. No I’m not. I apologize that these three were.
• Elijah – After King Ahab does this really Christlike thing… inviting Phoenician Princess Jezebel to have an active role, and validating her beliefs and supporting her female intuitions, Elijah totally ruins it with this false dilemma that if the Lord is God you should serve Him, but if Baal is god, then serve him/her… I try and serve EVERYONE because every church is true. The God I believe in would never have poured fire down from the heavens at the prayer of someone like that alt-right Tishbite. I apologize for him.
• Jesus – I know I use the term “Christlike” in a complimentary manner and most people assume it means “like Jesus,” but let me be clear… Jesus should have been more “Christlike.” Suggesting that there is only one way, a strait and narrow path… that’s not very loving and inclusive. And just because someone is building on the sand, doesn’t mean you can call them foolish… you’re not supposed to judge. Everyone is special and every church is true. I apologize for Him.

Wow! I feel better! Feel free to give me social media praise for being so brave and independent, parroting every position of people who want to tear down the Church… because while every church is true… most of them are more true than mine.

P.S. Just to prove I’m nothing like Korihor, please donate to my Venmo account for “bills” I need to pay. Thank you 🌈

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Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.