Satire: Study – Source of Progressive Joylessness Discovered

Even scientists are baffled by the anger that emanates from those who proclaim tolerance and love.


Scientists from several universities discovered the source of angst that has become so common among progressives. In this study, progressives were grouped with children at various ages, and asked to identify basic ideas from established films and books.

The first example was Disney’s The Little Mermaid. One of the 7-year-old participants was able to briefly summarize the plot, and describe how Ariel explored new places and fell in love. The progressive in the group said, “It’s a horrific propaganda piece about using silverware in one’s hair. Also, slavery.”

The second example was Lord of The Rings. A teenage boy in the group described the importance of friendship, loyalty, and courage as people stepped up to defeat the evil Sauron and his forces. The progressive in the group said, “It’s a story that perpetuates awful stereotypes about short individuals drinking alcohol, experimenting with fireworks, and stealing from farmers. Also, slavery.”

The third example was the Bible. A teenage girl in the group described how prophets helped motivate people to repent and be better, and to look to Jesus Christ in their efforts to develop faith, hope, and charity. The progressive in the group said, “It’s a horrible book that bans shellfish and promotes violence. Also, slavery.”

Researchers report that they were initially drawn to the pattern whereby progressives tend to view themselves as victims in order to justify their hatred of anyone who disagrees with them, and that slavery was just an attempt to project. This would mean that progressive joylessness might be related to their need to make themselves “just” by searching for enemies everywhere and stirring up pride, envy, wrath, and general ingratitude.

After more careful work and tedious study, researchers were able to clearly identify the source of progressive joylessness: progressives are idiots.


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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