Satire: Salt Lake Tribune Warns Of Second Church Handbook That Is Even More Dangerous

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by Jana Reiss

You may remember that I recently brought attention to the flaws in the Handbook for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints by discussing the impact of policies on left-handed individuals. Some of my readers thought it was a petty and biased attack on the church… but my new findings will likely convince you the Church is doing dangerous things.

I discovered another handbook!

That’s right, even though the new Handbook was supposed to unite the principles in Handbook 1 and Handbook 2, I have discovered another book that some are calling “the keystone of [their] religion.” It’s called The Book of Mormon.

What’s worse for vulnerable members is that it is far more dangerous than the other handbook, which at least makes attempts to use loving language for disciplinary actions. The Book of Mormon just tells people to repent. Can you believe it?

Apparently, this secret handbook has been used since the early 1800s and has informed a lot of the decisions of the church. I found out about this from a pair of 19-year-old missionaries who bravely leaked a copy to me.

“It’s definitely worth it to read the entire book,” said Elder Stevens, one of the two missionaries. “But if that’s a little too much at first, just start with the chapters I marked – 3 Nephi 11, 2 Nephi 31, and Moroni’s promise in Moroni 10:3-5.”

Of course, a good reporter is supposed to read the original material, but I decided to take my usual approach instead and go to my progressive friends on the internet. Thank goodness I did – they immediately warned me that this book was dangerous. Not only do the apostles of the church rely on it, but it is also propped up by users of the #DezNat hashtag.

Upon finding this out, I threw away my copy and wrote this article… Hopefully, this warning is not too late. Stay vigilant!

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Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.