Satire: Salt Lake Tribune Hopes For Return To Profit Model With Toilet Paper Shortage

Finally, a palatable use for the Salt Lake Tribune!


In October 2019, the IRS approved the transition of the Salt Lake Tribune from a legacy for-profit newspaper to a 501(c)(3) nonprofit.

According to experts, the main reason for the transition was that the newspaper “sucked…. a lot…”

At the beginning of this year, the Tribune was grudgingly forced to pay taxes on any traditional advertising revenue, which, in combination with the subscription fees from everyone in Salt Lake who hated the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, had been the primary source of funding.

“But then came coronavirus!” exclaimed an exuberant Jennifer Napier-Pearce, a Tribune executive. “I mean, people have been waiting in lines for hours to get a few rolls of toilet paper… and that gives us a unique opportunity!”

Ms. Napier-Pearce explained that it had nothing to do with the riveting content provided by their staff, which no longer even appealed to the zebra finches whose bird cages it lined.

“I’ve tested it… and the paper we distribute at the Tribune is excellent at holding fecal matter after a bowel movement,” said Napier-Pearce. “I mean, it was already adept and containing large quantities of bull crap, so human crap is not that big a deal.”

Napier-Pearce is hopeful that panic over COVID19 continues so the paper can return to a for-profit model as Utahns use the Salt Lake Tribune in place of toilet paper.


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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