Satire: Progmo Surprised Jesus Christ is an Actual Person

So Jesus isn’t simply a feel-good narcotic?


By Calvin J. Burke

Hang on… why is the new symbol of the church a picture of a person? I thought I was a part of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints… What? Jesus Christ IS a person? That doesn’t sound right…

I thought Jesus was just a slang term for Vicodin. I mean, isn’t that the god we’ve been worshiping? Vicodin doesn’t judge people based on their skin color, sexual orientation, or behavior… it just makes you feel good. When I said “Jesus brings me peace,” I was totally referring to the opioid narcotic pain-reliever. When I said “they just need a little Jesus in their life” I was talking about getting a prescription for Vicodin.

If Jesus is an actual person… I mean… that changes everything. He could actually require us to live commandments, he could actually judge us, and making people feel good might not be his only goal…

This is fake though right? The real logo is going to have an orange prescription bottle, not a person… right?


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: