Satire: Progmo Lifehack: Explain Your -ccino Beverages Identify As Bean Smoothies

Smoothies for Smoothies!


There’s been a lot of drama about the “new” statement on the Word of Wisdom, the revelation originally given to Joseph Smith in 1833. Even though all coffee has been a problem for more than a century…now all coffee is suddenly a problem. Frustrating right?

Fortunately, our woke allies have brought to us a fabulous lifehack that helps us get around what the Lord and his prophet want: beverage identity.

Basically, the same thing that allows a person to identify as someone they aren’t can apply to our hot drinks! Let’s see how it works:

  1. Is that coffee? – No, it’s a bean smoothie!
  2. But is it coffee beans? It smells like coffee… – You aren’t allowed to call it that!
  3. You dispensed it from a coffee-maker into a mug that says, “I heart coffee” though… – I swear on my temple recommend this is not coffee!

If these techniques still don’t work and people still expect you to “follow the prophet,” simply accuse them of being Pharisees or D*zN*t Nazis…Foolproof!


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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