Satire: Overburdened? Depressed? Anxious? Try Victimhood!

Being a victim is way easier than confronting our problems!


By Kristie Carlson

I used to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There was an incredible amount of pressure I felt to be positive, and work hard… to be modest, and to be desirable… to be educated, and to nurture my children… to be involved in politics and community, and to not let my views override the moral foundations that come from God through his prophets and his church.

It was very difficult to deal with all of these pressures, and I frequently felt overburdened, depressed, and anxious… but not anymore! I’ve never been happier.

How did I get rid of all of these problems? Victimhood!

That’s right, no one would place burdens or expectations on a VICTIM. It’s like a get-out-of-responsibility free card.

Now you might be asking, “What happened to you that made you a victim?” That’s a good question! It’s a tragic story in which occurred at birth. As the doctor delivered me, the nurses cleaned me and wrapped me in a blanket and handed me to my mother, they congratulated my mother by declaring “it’s a girl.”

Even though I don’t remember it, I’m sure my parents both rolled their eyes and lamented “why couldn’t it have been a boy? This child has no chance at achieving the most fundamental ambition of all members of the church – to become a general authority!”

As I grew up, I knew that I was a second-class member of the church. Even though I was taught I was a daughter of Heavenly Father who loved me and wanted me to be happy, I knew if the church truly believed that, they wouldn’t ask me to serve anyone else. Instead of insisting that “living the commandments” brought “happiness,” they should have realized I would only be happy if I was in charge and everyone did what I want. But that was never going to happen because I’m a woman – and women are victims.

Even after I was grown and married, I was still asked to clean the church building on Saturday. Can you believe it? And sure, there were men there cleaning too… but they asked me to clean because I’m a woman – and women are victims.

And just because I hate serving other people doesn’t mean I don’t want to serve in the church. I mean, it’s stupid that I am expected to put in time without pay trying to help other people, but I could totally do the Bishop’s job better than he does. Instead, I was asked to teach children in primary! I mean, sure, there were other men who were also asked to teach children in primary… but obviously they asked me because I’m a woman – and women are victims.

Plus, some of the other members of my ward (who were stupid, mean, and egotistical victim-blamers) judged me. They said things like “we should still follow the prophet” or “gratitude is an important attribute” or “it’s okay to have political views, but this is Sunday School, and I asked about repentance, not polygamy.” Also, apparently telling the boys in my primary class that God is female, the priesthood is sexist, and men can never be as spiritual as women was “inappropriate,” even though I truly believe it. But hey, I’m a woman – and women are victims.

So even though I go on shrill rants about how much I hate men and the church and inequality, I definitely feel better. You can feel better too! Just become a victim!


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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