Satire: Mortality “Harmful” and “Problematic”

Researchers find that everyone has problems


Within the past several years, there researchers have observed a rapid increase of the use of terms “harmful” and “problematic.”

“About 10 years ago, you would only see these terms used to describe things like cigarettes, lead paint, and asbestos,” said Stephen Morris, a researcher at Cal State Fullerton. “But within the past decade, they have been applied to things like gender, happiness, and even religions that encourage improvements in the lives of their members.”

The research provided by Stephen’s team confirmed that the terms have seen at 1200% increase in occurrence in all media platforms.

“Yeah, well, maybe it’s cuz we’re woke!” explained Shawtina Johnson, a representative from the Salt Lake City based organization, Social Justice Slacktivists.

“In fact, I find that question harmful and problematic!” added Johnson. “You need to stop shoving your faith, race, politics, and fast food down our throats!”

When responding to the question of whether there was anything in life that was not harmful and problematic, Johnson responded:

“Don’t change the subject! You don’t know what it’s like to be born, have to do stuff, and then die!”

Morris offered the following analysis:

“I mean, everyone knows what it’s like to be born, have to do stuff, and then die… that’s just mortality. Perhaps that’s the point… social justice warriors are convinced that everything in mortality is harmful and problematic.”

The research tended to confirm this analysis, showing that 100% of participants are in fact, born, required to do stuff, and then, regardless of the stuff they have done, they typically die. To be fair, The Three Nephites and John the Beloved weren’t interviewed.

In spite of this fact, after our interview, Johnson herself lit up a cigarette, drank a small can of lead paint, and stuffed a bit of asbestos up one of her nostrils before chasing after a pair of missionaries screaming that their message of Christ, repentance, and happiness was “harmful” and “problematic.”


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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