Satire: Man Gives Passionate Testimony Affirming His Medical Problems Are True

When looking at your smartphone and heading to the restroom is a more spiritual experience.


A brother in the local ward was moved by the invitation of the Bishop to share a Christ-centered testimony and took to the rostrum to discuss the details of his health issues.

“It’s been a tough week,” explained the brother after a deep breath and a two-minute pause. “Let me start by explaining a catheter…”

Several members of the congregation invited their children to use the restroom or get a drink as the brother began describing various issues with his internal organs.

Many of the other people in the congregation retreated to the comforting glow of their smartphones, seeking distraction from the scriptures.. but when the brother at the stand began making slurping noises and rhythmically slapping the pulpit, social media videos depicting cats and streams of NFL games began to appear.

“I was a little embarrassed when my toddler shouted ‘I need to pee!’ at the top of his lungs,” admitted a local mom who had been in attendance. “But after he finished in the bathroom, we were able to look at some pictures of Jesus, and it ended up being more of a positive spiritual experience…Plus, when we finally got back into the chapel, we caught him finishing up his testimony that his medical problems were true. Thankfully, the remaining five minutes of the meeting were filled with people testifying of Jesus.”


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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