Satire: “Jesus Said to Love Everyone!” Shouts Cannibal as He Licks His Lips

A local cannibal laments not being accepted for loving as he knows how.

By Suuatanitac

I am really surprised by the bigotry of so many left-leaning Christians. They claim to be all about acceptance and tolerance, but they don’t accept or tolerate me at all.

It’s because I’m a cannibal.

So the same people who hold signs saying “love is love” and “Jesus said to love everyone” have a problem with the way I love people. Their prejudice is hurtful… especially because I love them.

Just the other day, I saw a guy that I’ll call “Gordo Miguel”… and it was love at first sight. I can just imagine the tender muscle that has never been used and the moisture locked in by the layers of… insulation…

That’s the thing. I don’t care if a person has dark skin or light skin… if they are thin or fat… traditional or a pink-haired, dark-mustached, tattooed, lesbian with a heavy gold nose ring and a much-too-tight rainbow t-shirt. (Imagine that in the slow cooker!)

Jesus said to love everyone – and I love everyone!

Sorry… I just had a little saliva drip out of my mouth… Where was I? Oh yeah… so don’t hate me because I love differently than you do… I just think everyone can be delicious!

Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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