Satire: “I’m a whistle-blower!” Insists Salivating Man Demanding Reward For Reporting Church to the IRS

<Satire>

“I just want a cut… I mean… not me personally, the IRS…” Says David Nielsen as he slurps saliva back into his mouth.

Nielsen helped manage some of the funds the Church used to be more self-sufficient, which is when he first noticed two irregularities: First, his personal investments and accounts were much smaller, and second, the pupils and irises of his eyes morphed into cartoon dollar signs like Scrooge McDuck surveying the treasure of Ali-Baba.

“I don’t want to seem greedy or envious,” says Nielsen. “So please, call me a whistle-blower.”

Of course, a major source of tithing funds in the church are voluntary donations from individuals who have already been taxed and are making contributions as expressions of faith.

“I mean, sure, the church teaches its members to be self-sufficient, to save, and to invest money appropriately. It’s also true the Church spends huge amounts of tithing money constructing and maintaining places of worship that beautify and benefit communities that might not be able to support these facilities…But wouldn’t the federal government do a better job?”

The United States Government, an entity that has spent more than it collects every year for decades, is legally barred from imposing taxes on funds made as a free exercise of religious beliefs.

“So, do you know if they cut a check as a reward, or can I have direct deposit?” asks Nielsen after explaining how the IRS should confiscate money from a church. “I mean, my trip to Tahiti isn’t going to pay for itself!”

The interview concluded with Nielsen dabbing the drool that had oozed down to his chin.

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Suggested Reading:

• First Presidency Statement on Church Finances: December 17, 2019
• “The Windows of Heaven” -Elder David A. Bednar, October 2013

Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.