Satire: How to Search the Scriptures (for Verses Supporting Your Political Views)

Some helpful guidelines for making the scriptures political from our friends at BCC



With the restrictions placed on churches during the pandemic, some members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are trying to study the scriptures more to make up for not being able to meet together. I mean, not us… but some are.

Of course, a lot of these true-blue types are trying to apply the words of scripture to their lives. I know, it’s annoying to hear the constant stream of “we should have faith in Christ” or “Jesus taught that repentance is vital” without any of the important nuances like, “but also I should be running the church instead of the prophet.”

Fortunately, the country has become engrossed in protests, riots, looting, and violence. I mean, I would totally go to Salt Lake City to help vandalize and loot, but my mom told me she wouldn’t pack me a lunch. So instead, I’ve created this helpful list of scripture references you can use to DESTROY “friends” and “family” who believe in the scriptures.

  • Jesus overthrowing the money changers at the temple (John 2:13-17)
    • This pretty much overrides the commandment “Thou shalt not steal.” or “Love thy neighbor as thyself”
  • The priests of King Noah reading Isaiah’s passage about those who publish peace (Mosiah 12:20-24)
    • This passage totally justifies what they did to Abinadi because he started the conflict with all that “you need to repent” rhetoric rather than publishing peace
  • Joshua fighting in Jericho (Joshua 6:24)
    • See? Looting is good!
  • The prophecy of Joel (Joel 3:9-10)
    • Why are we encouraged to make weapons except to beat down those who believe differently than we do?
  • Nehor taking out DezNat extremist Gideon (Alma 1:1-15)
    • Universalism, priestcraft, refreshing nuanced takes… let’s face it – Nehor is the patron saint of BCC

So even though most BCC readers absolutely despise the scriptures and the prophets, hopefully, this list can give you the freedom to say “the scriptures totally justify my personal political views” without having to actually read much from them or apply them in any meaningful way.


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

Image credit: @LDSBeard

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