Satire: Definite Historian Uses Real Scholarship to Uncover Actual Facts

If we can’t trust who actually has a Ph.D, how can we ever choose our gatekeepers?

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by JN Foster, Definite Historian who uses Real Scholarship to Uncover Actual Facts

I don’t mean to pontificate, but I am probably the most definitive voice when it comes to truth. For example, through hours of exhaustive searching, I recently discovered that Dustin Turner, Ph.D., does not actually have a doctorate degree, but was just using it on twitter as a joke, which I don’t get because scholars actually are more important than prophets.

I know I’m just scratching the surface, and so I would like to share some additional actual facts I have uncovered through my studious efforts:

  • Captain Crunch does not appear to hold any naval rank… I could not find his records in the United States Navy anywhere, nor does it seem the United States Navy is interested in defending these so-called “crunch berries.”
  • King Friday XIII as portrayed in Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood does not actually reign over anything, let alone the Neighborhood of Make-Believe (which hours of atlas scouring could not help me locate) and… get this… may be a puppet.
  • I spent days trying to find evidence that a “Luke Skywalker” lived “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Guess what? There’s no evidence he ever actually existed!
  • Jeremy, the waiter I refused to tip because he had to “find out” if the paper straw sleeves were made out of post-consumer recycled material said, “Thanks for coming in.” I have reason to believe he was not at all thankful that I came in.
  • There is no “tooth fairy.” My parents ruined my life with lies.

Now some people have responded to my “good-faith” “investigation” and subsequent “good-faith” “discussion” about Dustin Turner by suggesting that I just don’t understand “jokes,” or “satire,” or “have a basic understanding of what is literal and what is figurative.” They imply that I am unable to interpret the facts I discover in a meaningful way… which could not be further from the truth.

Here are some examples of the deep understanding that I have gained through my work as an actual historian:

  • CTR stands for “Choose the Right,” therefore, anyone who features this ring, or this philosophy, is alt-right.
  • Some people on Twitter don’t agree with me, therefore, they are alt-right.
  • Anything or anyone associated with Brigham Young (except for me attending BYU) is alt-right.
  • Having myself told a joke that was admittedly in bad taste about wishing President Oaks and President Nelson die simultaneously in a car crash… I know that it’s important not to be too harsh toward anyone who jokes… unless they use #DezNat, because their jokes are in bad taste. Also, in spite of them frequently denouncing alt-right ideas, they are probably alt-right.
  • Some people suggest that I should not malign a person because they do not have a Ph.D. if I don’t have a Ph.D. myself… these people are alt-right.

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Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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