Satire: 10 Things NOT To Say To Someone Subverting Your Faith

These phrases make us say the quiet part out loud! Don’t be mean like that!


by Julie B Yanks

  1. Stop subverting my faith! This spoils the surprise for others who are wanting to be a part of my popular community without acknowledging they are slowly substituting me for their church leaders.
  2. What does the prophet say about that? I spent all that time trying to undermine the prophet as an irrelevant old white man who can’t understand my followers… this question undermines me, and that’s unkind.
  3. What about the Family Proclamation? You’re obviously just shaming someone if you bring up eternal truth. Be nice!
  4. Why do you keep using the term “Mormon?” This is an alt-right tactic used by DezNat to try to belittle people who belittle your church. Just like with people, made-up pronouns and nicknames are more important than accurate terms… and if you don’t use the language that I like, it’s hate speech.
  5. I’m going to stick with reading the scriptures. Stop! My books are meant to help you be “spiritual” so that you don’t have to read things that are difficult to understand or might challenge you to be better in any way.
  6. I’m looking forward to General Conference! Some people aren’t looking forward to a bunch of old guys using the R-word (repentance). Be sensitive to people who are comfortable with morally gray.
  7. How can I support you? This might be tempting because it seems like you’re helping… but people subverting your faith don’t actually want to come right out and say “give me money and praise” because it reveals how self-centered we are. Take a hint! You don’t need to ask to donate!
  8. Apostasy. This word is taboo. Never say it. There is no such thing as apostasy. Apostasy is a lie made up by prophets to reinforce their claim that there is a “strait and narrow path” or that the Word of God is like an “iron rod” that leads to “the tree of life.” Just because I want you to abandon key principles of your faith doesn’t mean it’s OK to say “apostasy.”
  9. How are you? The entire point of my costly apparel that I purchased from Rosemary Card was to show you I’m better than you. Don’t try to talk to me… because I don’t really even like you… I just like your money.
  10. Follow the prophet. If God really wanted you to follow the prophet, then he would have made them perfect… but since no one is perfect, then you should find someone who tells you what you want to hear. Getting people to tell others what they want to hear is literally the point of all these lists I make on Instagram.


Brett Jensen manages The Ward Preacher. You can follow him on Twitter @wardpreacher.

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